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This is a satire piece I submitted to a Christian satire website. I guess it was rejected because they have not contacted me or published my piece. I thought I would let it see the light of day here.

Before anyone reacts, I love traditional church music and at my congregation we sing half traditional hymns and half contemporary choruses. Also, at the satire site I submitted this piece to, they often poke fun at the contemporary worship moment and I giggle away. I particularly liked the one where they said “the Holy Spirit can’t move a congregation when the fog machine breaks down.”

Nevertheless, I have encountered people that say all contemporary music is of the devil and the church should only sing traditional hymns. This piece is targeted at that bunch—not at people who love traditional church music or even at church’s who feel called to only sing traditional church music. That’s fine. This pokes fun at the contemporary music is evil crowd.

 

Traditionalists Demand Church Sing the Hymns Paul Sang

The worship wars continue to rage in some churches as contemporary worship choruses grow in popularity and hymnals with the old time songs of praise collect dust. Traditionalists are not taking this trend lying down though and are demanding a return to biblical worship, saying we must sing the hymns Paul sang.

“What do you think Paul and Silas sang when they were in jail in Philippi?” asked Ben Johnson, song leader at Faith Decision Baptist in Rainbow, MS. “When they sang “I’ll Fly Away”, those walls came tumbling down. They would still be in chains if they had been singing “Oceans.””

Academic support is coming form Dr. Dabney Gordon, professor of Music at Gulf Port Bible College. Dr Gordon says he has studied the rhythm of Paul’s language in the original King James version, and it is a perfect match to the meter of hymns such as “When the Roll Is Called up Yonder” and “Rock of Ages.” “You can’t argue with the original, inerrant autographs of 1611,” Gordon proclaimed.

Gordon will be releasing his findings in a new book, “The Hymns Paul Sang.” Previously he authored the blockbuster, “When Drums Call Out to Demons: A Comparison of Voodoo Worship and Contemporary Christian Music.“ He also dabbled in investigative journalism in his “Phil Keaggy, Stephen Curtis Chapman and Matt Redman: Secret High Priests in the Church of Satan.”

“If we want to make America great again, we have to quit singing the devil’s music,” Mr. Johnson said. “Paul lead millions to Christ with “Just As I Am” and if it was good enough for Paul, its good enough for me.”

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